Bob has invented many things. Coconuts, pizza, several varieties of cheese, Al Gore (on a bad day), freckles, the Smurfs, sauce, the concept of time (God just borrowed it for a while), decks, spatial dynamics, keys, cake, humpback whales, hunchbacked Welsh, the number seventy-four and three farts, nickles, knickers, wood, and commas.
He did not, however, invent Microsoft.
Or karaoke.
Or the Dutch.
… Bob does not remember whether he invented them, too. He was a little drunk on that day.
If he did, he apologizes.
It’s been a while without updates. Why is that? It’s because Bob the Spider is currently on vacation, looking for a location for his next secret base. Yes, dear reader, it’s true: Bob is expanding.
If your life is starting to become meaningless without Bob’s updates, rejoice, for soon there shall be more again, including wonderful photos taken by Bob’s personal assistant, Charles Darwin.
And remember to repeat this mantra to yourself: Bob is everywhere, even when he’s on vacation. Bob is everywhere, even when he’s on vacation. Bob is everywhere, even when he’s on vacation…
We have just hired Condomny Leery to be our chief Harold Bloom Defenestrator at Secret Lab III. He will, of course, not be paid for this job, but should he encounter the terrible beast, the defiler of all things literary that is Harold Bloom, and successfully defenestrate him, he shall be regarded as hero and saviour by all good citizens, and shall be given a delicious sandwich with bacon and cheese.
But what about you? How do you feel about your life? Are you missing, on some level, being part of something greater, like an arachnid horde? It’s a deep-seated need in all intelligent beings. Don’t be ashamed. Apply now. You too can become a henchman of Bob the Spider’s.
A lot of people have asked whether it’s true, so we (the Bob the Spider online team) are posting to confirm that Bob the Spider did indeed win the Tour de France. Riding on Alberto Contador’s helmet and controlling him with his telepathic powers, Bob the Spider won the grand tour with a final time of 85:48:35. He would’ve gotten to the finish line considerably earlier, however, if he hadn’t gotten a phone call from God, who needed some help with quantum physics.
Lance Armstrong, telepathically controlled by a megalomaniac rat, accidentally drove to Birmingham and had to be replaced at the last minute and at great expense by a genetically modified shellfish.
It is not yet known what Bob will do with the money from his prize, though it’s rumoured he will use it to fund an expedition into Stephen Fry’s right nostril.
Bob Comes Out Of The Closet
The closet is the location of Bob’s Secret Lab II. The first secret lab was in a toilet, which didn’t go very well – but that was Bob’s plan from the get-go, if sources are to be believed.
It has been suggested by some that the closet represents some kind of metaphor about homosexuality. This is true, but does not mean what most of you think it means. In truth, Bob is the original inventor of closets and holds the patent on the concept. He has kindly decided to lend the concept to homosexual people for metaphorical use, but retains all rights pertaining thereunto.
The closet patent is extremely valuable, and Bob has been the target of several assassination attempts by IKEA employees, as well as a disgruntled tea cup disguised as a cucumber sandwich.
“This site is not really the unofficial site of Bob the Spider. It’s not really the official one, either. It simply is, as Bob the Spider is, because he is.” – The Flower
