Become a Henchman today!

We have just hired Condomny Leery to be our chief Harold Bloom Defenestrator at Secret Lab III. He will, of course, not be paid for this job, but should he encounter the terrible beast, the defiler of all things literary that is Harold Bloom, and successfully defenestrate him, he shall be regarded as hero and saviour by all good citizens, and shall be given a delicious sandwich with bacon and cheese.

But what about you? How do you feel about your life? Are you missing, on some level, being part of something greater, like an arachnid horde? It’s a deep-seated need in all intelligent beings. Don’t be ashamed. Apply now. You too can become a henchman of Bob the Spider’s.

Bob Speaks (1)

Hi, and welcome to today’s Bob Speaks column, where fans such as yourself can ask questions and get enlightening replies from the one and only source of true wisdom, Bob the Spider!

Q0nd0ry W3ary asks:

I have a question: has Bob already built his Secret Lab III? I wanted to apply for the position of petri dish cleaner in SL III, but since it’s secret (the Lab, I mean, not the dish, the cleaner, or the petri), I have no idea if I could apply or not. However, if that position has already been taken, I can always send in my CV to be considered for an assassination dummy post in order to prevent further attempts on Bob by the crockery.

Dear Condomny Leery,

Secret Lab III is currently under construction in Stephen Fry’s left nostril. Unfortunately the position of Petri Dish Cleaner has already been taken by John the Baptist, but you are free to apply for the position of John the Baptist Cleaner. You will have to bring your own sponge, since mine was eaten by an overgrown Hamster of Doom.

Alternately, you can always apply for the job of Harold Bloom Defenestrator. It is not very well-paid, but your valiant actions would be considered a boon to all mankind, and you would be clad in laurel leaves and home-made pasta and paraded through the street by an army of enslaved postmodernists.